


I love you

by Hikikomori_Ho (orphan_account)



Series: I Love U [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bodyguard Wonho, Homophobia, Love Story, M/M, Military, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Young Love, he is an actor, superstar hyungwon, the society needs to chill!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:31:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Hikikomori_Ho
Summary: Hyungwon plays the role of a lover to a diplomat in a big budget movie. as both of the lead actors are men, the country panics and death threats are thrown at him left and right. things get so bad, the company decides to hire him a bodyguard.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> ' Maybe won't you take it back  
> Say you were tryna make me laugh  
> And nothing has to change today  
> You didn't mean to say "I love you" '
> 
>  
> 
> Hi ^^  
> the title of this story is taken from Billie Eilish's ' i love you' which is a brilliant song so if you haven't already, make sure to listen to it!
> 
> this work is also for the hyungwon bingo and the keyword for it is 'language'. although it may not really seem like it, i hope the language of love shows in the story between the two.
> 
> 'i love you' won't be that long, maybe even less than 5 chaps.
> 
> i hope you'll enjoy reading it ^^
> 
> let's go!
> 
> ps. you can follow me on IG ( it's solely for my fics. ) ^ ω ^  
> [@hikikomori_ho](https://www.instagram.com/hikikomori_ho/)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_‘ earlier today, a man attacked actor chae hyungwon on his way home after attending his new movie conference. there had been many complaints about the movie since the teaser came out. many think that this movie should not be in public cinemas as it has inappropriate concepts. this was not the first time chae hyungwon’s life was threatened by extreme religious people. ‘_

 

hyungwon turned the tv off and let his hand land on the white covers tiredly as he stared at the black screen.

 

“ you okay? hungry? do you want me to get you anything? “ his assistant asked.

 

“ i’m not allowed to eat for 48 hours. “ hyungwon replied and pressed the button to lower the bed.

 

“ right. i forgot. “ the younger boy said as he ran to his side and helped him in lying down.

 

he closed his eyes. maybe sleep would make him feel better.

hyungwon had expected that there would be some negative comments about the movie and about him but he didn’t expect it to blow up this much. they had tried to kill him two times now. the first time it was a complete failure but this time.. well, this time he had stitches on his stomach from the knife that had torn into his flesh. his body hurt so bad. he was never someone who could handle pain well after all but, .. but the look in the man’s eyes, pure disgust, and resentfulness were what hurt him more. hyungwon wanted to cry so bad, but he couldn’t. he never cried in front of others. at least not while he wasn’t recording a scene.

 

 

four days later he was discharged and was escorted home with great security.

 

“ we got you a bodyguard. he is the best in his field and would be spending the next few months with you wherever you go. “ his manager added that he would be even staying at his house.

hyungwon hated it. he didn’t want anyone invading his private and alone time. it was the only time he was able to be himself. really himself. wear what he was comfortable with and watch the kind of movies he liked or sing along with his favorite songs. but now, he had to keep up the pretense even in his own house. after all, chae hyungwon, one of the most popular actors of the country, should always be prestigious. or it was what his company said.

 

 

he was in so much pain. his head was killing him and his stomach was pulsing and sending painful electric shocks all over his body. he knew what he needed to do. a couple of strong painkillers later, careful so no-one could see him taking them, he crawled under his blanket and fell asleep. the pills he took to numb his pain were not legal where he lived yet.

_‘ hyungwon, your bodyguard is here. i should go back now but i’ll check up on you again tonight. ‘_

he heard the familiar voice of his manager saying but the pills had made him so dizzy that he wasn’t even able to open his eyes or reply. he just fell deeply asleep again.

 

 

when he woke up, it was already dark. his headache was gone and his limbs were in much less pain. it was annoying but bearable. he hated being in pain so much. maybe because it was always a feeling that followed him one way or the other. _endless pain._

feeling terribly thirsty, he had no choice but to actually move out of his comfortable bed and get some water from the kitchen.

pushing the black covers to the side, he slipped into his black slippers and opened the black door of his bedroom. black was his favorite color. black and white. that’s why everything in his kitchen was black. even his kitchen tiles and the ones in his bathroom were black. but everywhere else had white walls and white parquets. his chairs and the two big couches and the blinds were also black. it was just his favorite theme. black and white.

 

dragging his feet lazily, he made his way to the kitchen. his spacious apartment was completely quiet as per usual. he poured himself a glass of water and turned around to go back to his bed but then.

 

“ who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my apartment? “

he was so terrified of seeing the man, his hand gave up and the glass fell and shattered on the kitchen tiles. his heart was hammering so fast and angrily in his chest. did the killer somehow find his way into his house? but, why not kill him while he’s asleep and unable to fight back?

 

the man he got so scared of, was at the far end of his living room, standing on a chair and doing something. his hands were stretched above his head and he was fixing the blinds?! hyungwon wasn’t sure. what he was sure about was that with the broad back of this man and the defined muscles of his biceps that were visible even from where he was standing in the kitchen, there was no way he could defend himself. he was as good as dead.

 

however, the man didn’t react to any of it. he just kept on doing whatever he was doing and then stepped down from the chair. he knelt down and did some stuff on his laptop, still not facing him.

 

hyungwon was frozen. one other thing he couldn’t deal with was stress. now mix stress with fear and that would leave you a completely pale and frozen on spot hyungwon that wouldn’t be able to do anything even if his life was on the line. so he just stood there, holding his breath, as he waited for the other man to just come kill him or something.

 

 

the man took his sweet time. around five minutes after hyungwon’s hysteric yelling, he stood up straight and turned around. but he didn’t look up at the actor. he was typing something on his phone as he talked.

“ thought your manager told you about it already. i’m your bodyguard. i’ll be staying here with you for a while. “

 

the supposed bodyguard pushed his device into his pocket and looked up at him with a cold uninterested gaze. hyungwon’s eyes widened as they finally made eye contact.

“ y-you’re my bodyguard? “ he asked in a weak voice.

“ yes. “ the broad man said with an equally cold voice and turned around again.

“ i applied security cameras all around the place. “ the bodyguard pointed at a few corners, including the one by the blinds.

“ but i’ll be the only one accessing the footage so you don’t have to be worried about it being leaked. “

the other man made his way to him and stopped right where you would enter the kitchen. he stretched his hand toward hyungwon.

“ name’s wonho. i’m a quiet person so i won’t bother you. just act as if i’m not there. “

the actor looked at his face and then at the hand that was still waiting in the air. hesitantly, he lifted his own and shook hands with his bodyguard, eyes still widened and mouth parted.

wonho’s grip was strong on his hand and he let go after a firm shake.

“ oh and you’re gonna have to clean that up yourself. i’m not your servant you see. “ with that, the other man disappeared to the balcony.

hyungwon was standing there for long minutes before he reached for the small vacuum and cleaned the shattered glass up. he ran back to his bedroom and hid under his black blanket right after.

 

 

 

 

a week passed. wonho wasn’t lying when he said he was a quiet person. he was basically like hyungwon’s shadow following him everywhere without making a single sound or talking a word. he found himself hiding away in his bedroom behind a closed door whenever he was home.

 

it was sunday afternoon and he was losing his mind. tossing and turning in his bed, he decided he had enough. he was dying out of boredom and it was his apartment after all. why should he be hiding in his room in his own damn home?

 

pushing the blanket away with his feet, he ditched the slippers and walked out to the living room barefoot. the parquets were cold but it was somehow refreshing.

going to the kitchen, he picked two packs of chip from the cabin plus a large beer can from the frig and walked to the living room. letting himself fall on the soft couch, he turned the tv on and threw his legs over the armrest as he opened his first pack. one of his favorite movies was playing so he didn’t change the channel and started eating his snack deliciously, actually humming from the taste.

he was too into the movie, he didn’t realize it when wonho came inside from the balcony. or the fact that he was only wearing his over-sized hoodie without any pants.

 

the other man must have understood that he was not aware of him being there as he cleared his throat and actually scared the hell out of hyungwon. the taller boy’s body flinched so harshly, some the of the chips were thrown out of the pocket and all over the couch, his hoodie and the floor.

 

wonho didn’t react to any of it. he just stood there by the black blinds with his arms crossed on his chest, looking at him with a pretty judgmental look on his face.

“ can you NOT scare me like that please? my heart is weak! “ hyungwon said as he put a hand on his chest and tried to get himself together.

he was now sitting properly due to the shock and once he opened his eyes after having calmed down, he saw that his legs were pretty much naked and his thighs were on full display. even a bit of his underwear was showing.

blushing like crazy out of embarrassment, he tried to cover himself with his hoodie as much as he could, which wasn’t much honestly, and then reached out for the still neglected beer can on the table.

he opened the can and was about to place its lid on the table to throw away later when his phone started ringing from the bedroom. putting the can back on the table, he quickly jumped up and ran to get the call.

and he ran all that way for a stupid advertisement call. sighing heavily, he once again forgot to put a damn pair of pants on and walked back to the living room. wonho wasn’t there.

he was a few steps away from the couch when he winced in a sudden shock of pain. he trembled on his feet and landed on the floor, making a very unnecessarily loud sound.

“ aaaah, fuck “ taking his left foot by hand, he looked at it and saw a few drops of blood were running down his skin. the stupid can lid had gotten thrown on the ground and he had stepped right on it.

 

“ are you okay? “ wonho appeared beside him in a blink of an eye without making a single sound what-so-ever.

 

“ yeah, just.. it’s nothing. i just stepped on that. “ he shook his head and pointed at the lid on the floor.

 

“ clumsy. “ wonho clicked his tongue “ i’ll get the first aid kit. “

 

“ it’s nothing, really. i’ll just wash the blood or something. “ hyungwon said as he followed the other guy with his eyes and winced in pain as soon as his stomach muscles were flexed. his wound hadn’t fully healed yet.

 

wonho didn’t seem to have heard him at all as he went to the kitchen, opened just the right drawer, took the kit and walked back to him.

“ can you sit on the couch or should i bridal style hug you? “ he was looking down at him. his gaze was so intimidating. hyungwon had had a very hard time being under that gaze sometimes for the past week.

 

without saying anything he stood up, as he tried his best to not wince and failed, and sat on the couch. wonho stood there watching him for a couple of seconds before he sighed deeply, walked toward him and knelt in front of him, but with enough distance because the next thing he did, was leaning in, grasping hyungwon’s ankle and putting it on his own knee as he started cleaning the fresh wound.

 

the actor yelped “ what- you don’t have to do that. i can do it myself. “ hyungwon tried taking his foot away but wonho’s grip on his ankle didn’t let him.

“ sit still “ was what the deep demanding voice said. it took about five-six minutes to clean and put the band-aid on the cut. but in that short amount of time, hyungwon could swear he died and came back to life about a million times. his heart was about to jump out of his chest. this situation.. it was so awkward, intense and wrong. he didn’t like it at all.

 

“ there. “ wonho leaned back and stood up after finishing his work.

“ does your stomach hurt? do you want me to call a doctor or take you to the hospital? “ he asked in a cold tone. couldn’t he at least pretend like he cared? just a tiny little bit?

 

“ no. i’m good. “ hyungwon said firmly and stood up as well. his tall limbs giving him the advantage of now being the one who was looking down on wonho. “ thanks for your help. although it was basically no big deal and definitely didn’t need all this band-aid. “ he said as a matter of factly and picked his other pack of chip up from the table. it was a mess around the couch from the previous incident but he didn’t bother cleaning it up. a cleaning lady would come to the apartment the next day anyway.

“ i’m just doing my job. “ was the short answer he got before he felt the need to punch the guy in the face. hyungwon turned on his heel and was about to go back to his bedroom when he changed his mind.

 

“ can you leave me alone for a couple of hours? “ he asked as he turned back to the bodyguard.

“ no “


	2. Two

_‘no’_

for the past month and a half, ‘no’ had been the answer to his every question.

can i go for a walk?

no.

can we go to the cinema?

no.

i just wanna go for a drive.

no.

you can come too..

no.

hyungwon was losing it.

 

 

“ but why the fuck am i not allowed to do my schedules? they can push it back for so long you know. at this rate you and i both will lose our jobs. “ he snapped at his manager who had come to visit for the third time that week.

“ it’s not safe hyungwon. “ the latter said briefly with a sigh.

“ it’s never safe. i’ve always received death threats. hell, people even send me dead animals, you know that! why is it so important all of a sudden? “ he kept gesturing widely with his hand from his position on the couch.

“ it’s important since you were actually injured and we still haven’t caught the man. “ the older was losing patience.

“ it was before we hired wonho. now, with him around, no one can hurt me. he’s gonna take care of me, right? “ he looked at the bodyguard who was standing behind the blinds, peeking outside. when the man didn’t answer, not like hyungwon had actually expected any, he sighed and uncrossed his legs, leaning toward his manager. “ look, i’ve worked my ass off to get where i am today. i’m not gonna let some man take the result of all of my hard work away from me. i've sacrificed too much for it.“ he said and kept looking into the older’s eyes to prove his point.

“ hyungwon…” the latter ruffled his own hair with both hands in frustration before he looked back at him. “ the situation is much messier than we let you know. i’d rather you lose a couple of contracts than end up dead, yeah? “

before any of them could say anything more the manager’s phone started ringing and he said he had to leave immediately, leaving him in his damn apartment with the man that was beyond his ken. Hyungwon was so fucking angry.

“ FUCK “ he shouted and without a second thought, threw the tv’s remote control, which was the first thing his eyes landed on, toward the said object. the hit made a loud noise and, of course, cracked the screen.

 

wonho turned around so fast on instinct and looked at the tv before looking at hyungwon who was just staring at the destroyed thing.

“ feeling better now? “ there was this mockery in his tone that drove him up the wall.

“ fuck off. “ he snapped his head at the bodyguard and glared at him with the fire in his eyes. the other didn’t say anything as he just stared back with the stonecold expression on his face.

a couple of seconds passed before he decided, that was it. he’d had enough. he was gonna go out. if anyone wanted to attack him, well, they could try.

 

standing up, he rushed to his bedroom with fast steps. opening the door to his walk-in closet with force, he put on the first shirt and pair of jeans that his hands grabbed, not caring whether they’d go together or not. he just wanted some fresh air at the moment. and a few moments away from the suffocating aura that was drowning his whole place like a blackhole.

taking his phone, wallet and car keys, he rushed back out and toward the entrance without a single glance anywhere. the last thing he needed was yet another lecture about how everything was _dangerous._

 

just as he wrapped his fingers around the doorknob and opened it, ready to leave, a hand clutched his bicep and pulled him back inside. the bodyguard used so much power that to hyungwon it was like his bone was crushing with how much it hurt.

“ ah “ he winced as his entire face scrunched in pain, his other hand landing on the bodyguard’s and trying to make him let go.

“ the fuck do you think you’re doing? “ wonho straight out shouted at him and closed the door. the grip still strong on hyungwon’s arm.

“ do you _wanna_ die? is that what you want? “ another shout hit his ears and buzzed in his head.

“ l-let go. you’re hurting me. “ the pain was overwhelming, he wasn’t really able to answer the question that was asked.

“ oh so you’re hurting? from just me holding your arm? what happens if they attack you again or kidnap you? how would you like that? i guarantee you whatever they do, it will be way more painful than this. “ wonho tightened his fingers around the slim arm and hyungwon bent down a bit due to the pressure as he winced audibly.

“ why do you care? you can just tell them i escaped the house if anything happens to me. you’re only worried about doing your job anyway. “ he said with a shaky voice as he still tried to rip the hand away from his body but to no avail.

the bodyguard clenched his teeth as he glared at him for a few long seconds. the next thing he knew, was that the man was dragging him harshly toward the far end of the apartment, to where the living room was.

with a final tug, one that threw hyungwon a meter forward, the man let go of him. he had to use his hands not to hit the couch face first when he was violently thrown on the black furniture.

he sat up, one of his knees under his body from how he landed, as he rubbed over his arm. he hated pain. he hated it so bad and he was sure there were already purple fingerprints painting his skin.

but if he’d thought it was over, he was wrong. the bodyguard was oozing of anger when he put his laptop on the coffee table in front of hyungwon.

“ the moment you put your foot out of this apartment, you’ll be at risk. “ he said, not shouting but his voice still piercing through the actor’s eardrums, as he pointed at the device.

he didn’t bother looking at whatever it was. he wasn’t interested. and the man had just hurt him so he wasn’t gonna be all _‘oh my god, thank you for protecting me.’_ but he kinda wished he’d looked because upon getting ignored, the muscular man _made_ him look.

hyungwon’s head was suddenly turned toward the laptop with a grip on his jaw. wonho had forced him to look at the screen with his fingers squeezing the life out of his cheeks, hurting his gum and bones. the actor was shocked at the outcome, his eyes wide and not believing the treatment he was getting from the man who was there to protect him.

“ do you see that? “ wonho shouted again and shook hyungwon’s head for emphasis in his hold.

he had no choice but to look now if he wanted the painful grip on his jaw gone. on the screen was a picture of a man, standing at the entrance of the alley across the actor’s apartment and looking directly into its direction. he looked creepy.

“ he’s been wandering around your place for the past month. we don’t know his motives and we can’t quite capture him because he hasn’t done anything yet. i scanned his face but he’s clean. “ the other hissed dangerously close to his ear and finally let go of him. it was as harsh as the previous time and it made hyungwon land on the couch sideways. his eyes a bit teary from the shock and the pain, plus the knowledge that he was hated that much. he felt his heart breaking.

the spacious apartment fell into complete silence. it was only after a couple of minutes when hyungwon gathered the strength to sit up again but that made a tear fall and it fell the exact moment the bodyguard’s eyes turned to him.

he must’ve looked pathetic because the rage left the man’s face at the sight of him. with a deep sigh, wonho got up and walked past him but he didn’t follow where he went. he just sat there staring at the picture of the man that apparently wanted him dead so badly.

slow steps echoed and the couch cushions shifted as the older sat down next to him again.

“ turn around “ his tone was gentle for once when he said that. but hyungwon didn’t react.

“ hyungwon, turn around so i can put these ice packs on your face. my fingerprints left red marks on your cheeks. “

he didn’t have the strength to argue with how defeated he felt so he obliged. turning around, he bent one knee on the couch and sat, facing the man in front of him but he didn’t look up. he had his eyes down, fixed on his own hands on his lap. a second passed before the cold packs were pressed on both sides of his face, making a sharp pain run through his temples. he hissed but sat still. they fell into silence for long minutes after that as the bodyguard took care of the marks he himself had left on hyungwon.

“ why did you accept the role? you should’ve known better to risk your entire career on a movie like this. “ wonho’s voice was hoarse, probably from all the shouting as he was never one to talk that loud or at all.

“ someone had to. “ he shrugged in reply.

“ and that someone had to be you? since when are you willing to take risks? and with your dream job of all things! “ the cold packs left his skin as the man examined his face, putting the side of his index finger under hyungwon’s chin and gently tilting his face to the side. couldn’t he turn his face like this before as well instead of being so brutal?

he didn’t say anything as he let his head hang down again the moment the fingers were pulled away from his face. wonho put the packs on the table before he leaned on the backrest, his elbow on the edge and his head resting on his palm as he looked at the actor.

“ since i’m regretting not willing to take that risk years ago. “ he whispered under his breath as if he was scared to hear it being said out loud. it would be the first time he’d be confirming it.

the other didn’t say anything but hyungwon heard the way he swallowed hard.

 

“ regretting something that happened in the past shouldn’t lead you into doing something as reckless as this. you know how homophobe our society is. and you can’t take care of yourself for shit. just look at the stitch marks you have on your stomach now. “ wonho’s hand reached out but he retrieved it when he realized what he was doing.

hyungwon bit on his cheek hard. his eyes burning and his head throbbing. it had started raining outside and now the sound of raindrops on the window disturbed the silence between the two. and suddenly he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“ i’m sorry “ he burst into tears “ i’m so fucking sorry hoseok “ hyungwon hid his face in his palms, both to hide his tears and in embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lkjfhlkjfhglh THE ELLE KOREA PHOTOSHOOT T^T   
> our wontokki is so beautiful TT TT


	3. Three

the bodyguard didn’t say anything. hyungwon’s sobbing and sniffling was the only sound that mixed with the rushed raindrops. it took a good 5 minutes for the other to finally give in.

“ stop crying. “ there was zero emotions in his voice and it made the actor pour more of his own into the waterfall.

“ stop fucking crying hyungwon. “ fingers got wrapped around his wrists and his hands were shoved away from his face. “ what are you even crying for? it was you who wanted this. “the man in front of him was furious when he finally gathered the guts to look up. his gaze made hyungwon feel so small and vulnerable.

“ i’m sorry “ the actor’s voice broke the moment their eyes met and more tears followed, making the previous ones land on the couch or on his lap.

“ what are you sorry for? and what am i supposed to do with your apology now? you were the one breaking everything. “ wonho, no, hoseok lowered their arms to hyungwon’s thighs and let them rest there, not letting go of his wrists.

“ i was scared “ he said as soon as the words of breaking everything left the other’s mouth. biting his trembling bottom lip, he waited for a reply as he looked into hoseok’s eyes, searching for something, anything. there was none.

“ ..and i wasn’t? “ the bodyguard who up until that moment was fierce and shouting, suddenly whispered the question with eyes full of sorrow that he blinked away soon after when he let go of the bony wrists and looked away.

“ i’m sorry..” what else could he say? nothing could change the past and how terribly he had broken this man’s heart.

“ you don’t get to be sorry. “ hoseok’s eyes returned to his face, cold and intense. “ you made a choice and i understand. it hurt like hell. but i tried my _very_ best to understand. “ he licked the dry skin of his lips as he observed the state of the actor. his face swollen and soaked with tears, signs of pain evident on his features. the boy was sitting in a way that wouldn’t put too much pressure on his stomach because due to his low immune system it took him longer than others to heal and he was clearly still struggling. he was thinner than ever, barely a layer of skin over his bones. and then there were his own fingerprints on the arm of the person he used to love with all of his heart. his head was hanging low, his fingers fidgeting with his nails.

“ what i don’t understand is why you had to do something you knew the terrorizing consequences for. “ he paused in hesitation. “ you could’ve gotten killed hyungwon. “ hoseok bit hit tongue hard at the terrible thought.

 

there was no reply. the actor only tried to get his breathing under control to calm down. only when he succeeded in stopping the tears, he started talking.

“ there hasn’t been a day that i don’t regret what i did. “ hyungwon wanted to say something more but bit his lips instead and looked up at hoseok. “ i..i came to your house the very next day. i ran all the way to just..to just apologize and beg to be together again, but…” his wall trembled down again and his body trembled in a new wave of desperation “ your mom said you left at dawn. i went to the base but they didn’t let me in. “ he sniffled and rubbed his palms on his face in frustration. the stupid tears wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. “ hoping that you followed my work, i wanted to show you that i’ve become brave…that..that i’m willing to take risks. “

“ i never followed your work. putting your life at stake like that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. “ hoseok frowned “ and what did you expect to happen then? so i was supposed to watch that movie, whatever it is, and come running back to you? you know how ridiculous it sounds, right? “

“ i was desperate! “ hyungwon nearly shouted but then realizing his tone, he curled his spine in embarrassment and looked down “ i _am_ desperate. “ hoseok’s hand was there. on the couch, only an inch away from his body. “ there was no way in finding you. they said you were sent somewhere and wouldn’t come back anytime soon. all these years i kept having nightmares about the various ways you’d get killed on the battlefield. “ hyungwon gave in and reached out. his hands taking hold of hoseok’s. “ did you really have to join the army? it’s so fucking dangerous and- “ he paused and ran his thumb over the scar on the back of the pale hand. “ and your body’s scarred all over. “ or at least he thought it was from the little skin he’d seen in the past two months. the older had that nasty scar on the back of his hand. like a knife had cut it deeply. then there was the one at the corner of his lips. he must’ve torn his skin in a fight. it wasn’t visible really but because hyungwon could draw every inch of the other’s body with closed eyes, he could see it. there was a line that started from his collar bone and went down, disappearing under his shirt. “ i missed you so much hoseok “ he said in the smallest voice as he lifted the hand and pressed his lips against it, his tears landing on the other’s skin.

“ while you were getting worshiped for your looks and your movies, i actually _lived_ your nightmares. joining the army was the only way to keep me away from you. it was the only option for me as well anyway. “ hoseok tried to take his hand back but hyungwon didn’t let him. instead, he tightened his fingers around it and brought it to his chest, pressing it on where his heart would be.

“ you didn’t wanna join back then.. “

“ back then i had hope that we’d work things out. “ was the quick reply he got before the older pulled his hand away and got up from the couch.


	4. Four

“ i’m still not okay with you doing your military service at such a young age. you’re 18! you just graduated high school! you have at least 10 years till the due time. “ Hyungwon’s mother nagged at him for the umpteenth time.

 

“ we talked about this mom. i don’t want there to be a gap between my career later. i just wanna get over with it before i start acting professionally. “ he said, pushing his clothes into a simple black bag.

 

“ well, i’m not okay with you wanting to be an actor either. you’re so smart. you can make a doctor or a university professor. actors are always under radar and i don’t like that. “ his mother knew there was no way he’d change his mind but she liked to try at every given chance.

 

“ _i_ like that. this is my life! i don’t want anything other than acting. it’s all i’ve ever dreamt of. can’t you just support me? please? “ he was too tired of talking about this over and over again.

 

 

 

*******

 

 

a month. a horrible, exhausting month in and hyungwon was going insane. he _hated_ his roommates in the base. the room had 20 beds, meaning there were 19 bullies who liked to order him around just because he was younger. it got so bad that even the commander of their unit noticed the situation.

 

“ why did you come so early to serve, son? “ the man had asked.

“ i wanted to serve before beginning my career, sir. “ he had answered.

the commander told him it was naive of him to think he was gonna have it easy there but that he admired his courage. hyungwon’s room was changed into one that had younger soldiers in.

 

but if you think things were changed to be cool, well you thought wrong. because hyungwon couldn’t even put his giant bag on the top bunk, that was now his bed, and he was already the laugh of the room. it wasn’t his fault he’d been born with bony limbs.

“ here. let me help you with that. “ a low voice called behind him before a pair of hands took his bag and threw it on his bed with little to no effort. was it that easy or was the guy just hercules or something?

turns out, the guy was indeed hercules. hyungwon’s tongue even reading stuttered when he turned to face his savior and thank him.

“ th-…th-thank you.. “ was this guy even real!?

there was a chuckle, one that sounded so pretty, and the guy smiled ever so brightly. if hyungwon was a girl, he’d definitely fall head over heels for this person right on the spot. one of those stupid love at first sight craps.

“ shut up ya’ll! instead of laughing, shouldn’t you be helping your mate? “ his savior scolded the rest of the room. in which they didn’t say anything back. oh hyungwon enjoyed the display of power.

“ sorry. they’re just a bunch of kids. “ the built boy whispered once he turned his attention back to him.

“ you don’t look _that_ old yourself though? “ he was genuinely curious.

“ well mental age is a whole different topic than physical. i’m 19 by the way. and the name’s hoseok. lee hoseok. i was chosen as the leader of this unit. “ lee hoseok stretched his hand toward him and hyungwon shook it gracefully. if the leader was nice, and he was at the bottom bunk of the bed, then he was definitely safe here. no more getting bullied.

“ chae hyungwon. i’m 18. “ he smiled as he realized that he’d been shaking the offered hand for way longer than necessary.

another chuckled followed once he let go of the hand in panic and hoseok took his cap off. “ what happened to your face? “ he wasn’t looking at him when he said that.

“ oh… “ he brushed his fingers over the wide scratch he had on his cheek.

“ the guys at my previous unit thought it was funny to put their feet in my way while i was running. “ he shrugged. he didn’t wanna talk about it. it was embarrassing!

“ WHAT?! “ hoseok looked up at him at the speed of light with an expression of disbelief. “ how could they do that?! and to such a beautiful face! “

well. damn. there was no way hyungwon could stop himself from blushing head to toe at that.

“ w-well……they weren’t very nice. that’s why the commander changed my unit.. “ he mumbled, looking down at his feet and rubbing his palm over his other arm repeatedly.

“ i’m glad they did. don’t worry. you’re good here. these guys might be rude but they’re not bad people. “ then hoseok leaned in close to his ear “ and they’re scared of me so you’re definitely safe. “ leaning back, he winked at him and throw himself on his bed leaving a frustrated hyungwon standing there with goosebumps all over his body. this guy’s voice was sending chill after chill down his spine even if it had been seconds since he finished talking. why was he reacting like a fucking schoolgirl! he needed to sleep. he was just extremely tired.

 

nope. he wasn’t just tired. months passed and every time hoseok helped him with something, every time their hands touched or the older ruffled his hair, hyungwon still got chills. it was getting out of hand.

it didn’t help when they all showered together and he could see just how defined their leader’s muscles were. he wasn’t that big but he could definitely throw hyungwon against a wall if he wanted. _wait._ why would he even think about such a thing?! they were right. porn ruins your mind. he should’ve watched less of those sinful videos.

 

“ hyungwon, can you come sit on me? “ he heard a familiar hoarse voice say. one that had been pretty much moaning for the past forty minutes as the guy worked out. well, it wasn’t moaning but it sounded like it and hyungwon had to distract himself with a book. one that his eyes read the words of but his mind didn’t register any meaning to.

“ w-what?! “ his heart was going crazy in his chest and he wondered if the whole room can hear it pump. looking down at the floor from where he was seeing on his top bunk, he saw hoseok doing push-ups.

“ come sit on my back. i want additional weight. this has become too easy. “ the latter said while still doing the exercise.

“ um…okay.. “ he jumped down and with much hesitance, walked toward the older but stopped right next to him. how was he supposed to sit on a body that was going up and down constantly? and true that he was skinny but it didn’t mean he was light enough for the other man to be able to do push-ups with him on his back,right?..

 

“ hop on “ hoseok stopped and looked up at him with a warm smile.

“ how..” HOW

“ just sit on my back with crossed legs. “

he followed the instruction, hoseok keeping still in a firm posture, his muscles so freaking hard under hyungwon’s body.

he sat on the rock-hard back, with crossed legs, and looked at the guy’s face. now what?

now hoseok started moving, going down and almost making hyungwon knock down and hit the floor face first with the movement. his balance had always been shit.

“ take hold of me silly! “ the leader laughed at him as he paused again and waited.

how was he supposed to take hold of him? he did what came to his mind.

hyungwon leaned down, bending himself, as he wrapped his arms around hoseok’s chest tightly and rest his head (mostly his puffy cheek ) on the latter’s back.

for some reason, the older didn’t move for a few seconds after hyungwon was settled and ready to go but after clearing his throat, the push-ups began again. and this time, the moaning-like sounds were right into his ears and he cursed his mind again for providing him the images that he seriously didn’t wanna have carved in front his eyes. the images were hoseok doing some adultery things to someone hyungwon didn’t see the face of because all he could see in his mind was the older’s face and body. he just wished to all the gods out there that he wouldn’t get a boner while ‘sitting’ on him.

 

“ 300 “ hoseok’s voice ripped him out of his thoughts and a loud groan followed as the boy let himself collapse on the cold tiles of the floor.

“ you can get off me now. “ the latter said as he pushed himself up a bit again for hyungwon to unwrap his arms around him.

he was quick to slip down from the heavy breathing guy. he sounded like he could really use some water. they both could.

handing hoseok a bottle as the older forced himself to sit up, he waited for him to drink as much as he wanted before taking it back and drinking the rest.

“ you know, you could just grip on my sides instead of wrapping around me like a koala “ the leader chuckled ( or was it a grin? ) and wiped the sweat away from his forehead for the millionth time.

hyungwon was a blushing mess all over again. embarrassed, frustrated and…..horny. damn the hormones.

“ i…didn’t think of that! “ he turned around and picked the older’s towel up from his bed, throwing it at him with force.

“ go take a shower before you make a puddle on the floor with your sweat! “ the towel fell on hoseok’s head, covering his face and making him laugh out loud.

“ you coming too? “ the older asked as he stood up, his muscles swollen, his veins bulging out and his skin glistening with the drops. this dude was really a wet dream. for girl. a wet dream for girls.

“ uh no. i’ll go later. gotta..gotta finish my book first. “ he replied as he quickly crawled up to his bunk.

“ you’re too nerdy for someone who wants to become an actor. “ shaking his head, the latter walked off to the showers. hyungwon felt like he was hyperventilating. he needed to jump in the showers right after hoseok would come out and take care of the very throbbing problem down in his pants.

 

 

 


	5. Five

“ hoseok? “

“ hm? “

“ you never talk about yourself. whenever we talk, it’s always about me and my dreams. what are your dreams? why are you serving at this age? i practically don’t know anything about you other than how badass your martial art skills are. “

 

they were enjoying their free time during noon. their bellies full with not-so-good food and their eyes warm with sleep. it had become a routine for them to go to the exact spot and lie down on the ground under the shadow the giant tree above their heads provided. it was always quiet there and they could have a moment of peace to just themselves. again, much like many other days, hyungwon had his head resting on hoseok’s stomach as they stared up into nothing in particular.

 

“ your story is fun to listen to. you have all of your future planned and know everything you’re passionate about. i’m… i don’t have any dreams.” it was the first time hyungwon heard hesitance in the older’s voice. it felt strange. for someone as strong as him to sound so..vulnerable.

 

“ that can’t be true! you must have _some_ dream! like, i don’t know, like something you get all excited about when you think of. you’d feel butterflies in your stomach and your eyes would shine with only the thought of achieving it. “ he gestured enthusiastically with his hands. the older’s fingers paused their movement on hyungwon’s chest. it was like that. whenever his head was on the older’s stomach, the latter’s hand would rest on his chest, often drawing patterns on his clothes skin with his index finger or just rubbing over his limbs.

 

there was nothing but silence for stretched seconds.

“ i have butterflies in my stomach now “ the older’s voice was so quiet that if they hadn’t been so close hyungwon wouldn’t have heard it. before he could say anything, hoseok chuckled. “ what did they feed us today really? i’m feeling sick! “ and he didn’t know why, but he somehow felt sad..disappointed. the hand started its movement again.

 

 

 

*******

 

 

“ are you going home today? “ hyungwon asked.

“ yeah. my mom’s been sick for a week now. gotta go take care of her a bit now that it’s my off day. “ hoseok replied, packing a few things in a backpack.

although he felt sorry for his friend’s mother, he couldn’t swallow the bitter feeling that spread through his chest. he didn’t like him leaving.

“ what are you all pouty for there? “ the older pressed his fingers on hyungwon’s lips as he chuckled, looking at him with a raised eyebrow in question.

to say that the action caught him off-guard was an understatement. sure they were a bit more touchy than the rest of the soldiers there but…but he had never felt hoseok’s body, any part of it, on his lips before. he froze. long enough for the older to remove his hand, make a stupid face at him as he ruffled his hair. the leader of their unit didn’t wait more for a reply as he simply went back to forcing another shirt into the small space of the plastic bag.

“ …what if someone tries to be funny with me again while you’re gone? “ he mumbled under his breath, looking down at hoseok’s broad back, bent over his bed.

his words must’ve caught the latter’s attention as he stopped all he was doing and turned around in one smooth move, standing face to face with him.

“ it’s only for one day. i’ll be back before anyone even notices my absence. “ his voice ever so gentle as he rested his palm on hyungwon’s slim bicep, squeezing a bit.

they stood there. staring at each other without another word said. it was the first time they were gonna be apart after almost 15 months of being inseparable. even on their off-days, they’d match their time together and they’d go around in the city since none of their families lived at the capital and it was too tiring to go back and forth between cities. hyungwon always preferred hoseok’s company to his parents’ endless nagging and hoseok just never mentioned wanting to go home. that was why all of this was so new to both of them.

the older bit his lip almost painfully as he broke his gaze and took back his hand. hyungwon’s body decided it missed the touch for some reason. it actually wasn’t for _‘some reason’_ . he was just not really doing well with the fact that his bestest friend in the whole world was gonna leave him alone. even if it was only for one day. he didn’t really care if he was behaving like a selfish spoiled two-year-old.

in less than five minutes, hoseok was set and ready to go.

 

“ send my regards to your mom. also, please bring me some of her famous kimchi you always brag about. “ hyungwon said as his friend walked through the exit. hoseok didn’t say anything as he hurriedly walked out, only flashing him a smile over his shoulder as he left.

it was ridiculous. the room still had at least 7 of the other soldiers inside but hyungwon felt like he was utterly alone. the walls closing in on him and he was so aware of the fact that there wasn’t gonna be a muscular boy, snoring only lightly on the bottom bunk that night.

 

 

 

*******

 

 

Hoseok didn’t come back the next day until it was already dark outside and they were sent to their dorms, forbidden to come outside unless it was for going to their shifts.

hyungwon had the roll in his hand while lying in bed, the weed roll one of the troublesome soldiers had handed him that morning, apparently feeling generous, telling him he should try puffing on one some time. that it’d feel amazing. he’d saved it for when the older would be back and they could try it out together. he was curious to know how it’d feel.

 

the front door opened with a screech and he was sitting up almost immediately, knowing that it could be the person he was waiting for.

“ hey “ hoseok sent him a wide smile.

“ you’re late! “ he said but couldn’t keep his face from mirroring the happiness.

“ i’m really not. “ the older whispered and shook his head as he noticed a few of their roommates were already asleep.

“ well? is she okay? was her condition bad? was she happy to see you after so long? “ he didn’t come down from the top bunk. he was too lazy and tired for that after a long day of getting tortured under the sun. he just leaned down and kind of dangled his head from the edge of the bed, still holding the roll in his hand.

“ she's good and of course she was happy, i’m her son! “ hoseok scoffed and took a big container out of his backpack. “ i told her you wanted me to bring you kimchi. she made you kimchi fried rice and said it would be more delicious this way. here. “ the older lifted his arm up toward hyungwon and he, naturally, reached out to get it. only that he had the roll in that exact hand and he hadn’t expected for the older to react that way.

 

upon seeing it, hoseok grabbed his wrist with his free hand in a tight grip.

“ what’s this? “ his tone suddenly as serious as it could get as he looked straight into his eyes with his piercing gaze.

“ it’s..uh..” he paused and leaned closer “ weed “ said hyungwon as quiet as he could right into the other’s ear.

hoseok pulled his head back and stared at him with dark eyes and furrowed eyebrows.

“ where did you get it from? “ it wasn’t his friend talking anymore. it was the leader of the unit. one that the commanders of the base had high hopes for.

“ i…ouch, hoseok, my wrist..” he winced at the grip. it was hurting and hyungwon hated pain. he hated it so much.

“ where did you get such a thing from hyungwon? “ the older didn’t let go.

“ that..that butt-faced boy gave it to me. said..ow,..said i should try it out. “ by now, he was sure a bit more pressure would cause his bones to break.

before the leader could say anything else, the door was opened harshly and the commander along with two other soldiers came inside, walking directly toward them.

hoseok let go of him and turned around as he stood in form and salute the elder. hyungwon himself was fast at climbing down and standing next to his leader in the same position.

“ at ease. “ the man said before nodding his head and the two soldiers started inspecting hyungwon’s bunk. it didn’t take them more than thirty minutes to find the roll and hand it to the commander.

“ is this yours chae hyungwon? “ the joint was lifted in the air, held in front of his face as he was questioned about it. he was scared shitless. it was forbidden to even smoke cigarettes and here he was having weed in his belongings. oh man, he was gonna die under the penalty he was gonna get.

just as he opened his mouth to admit, a voice interrupted him.

“ it’s mine, sir. “ hoseok said firmly.

“ …yours?! “ the shock was evident on the commander’s face as he averted his eyes to the older. “ are you lying to me, soldier? “

“ no, sir. “ there was no hesitation in his reply. hyungwon couldn’t help but stand there silently as he looked to the side at his best friend’s side profile in awe. he was taking the blame for him.

“ then why was it in chae’s bunk? “

“ i was just showing to him as you walked in, sir. “

it was obvious, oh so obvious, that the commander could see right through the lie but for whatever reason, he didn’t point it out.

“ 150 around the base plus fifteen additional days. get to it right away.“

and then they were gone. actually, it could’ve gone worse but this was the easiest punishment. hoseok could’ve gotten imprisoned for this.

 

“ hoseok…” he started but the latter didn’t even look at him. he only put his uniform on quickly and left to attend to his punishment. 150 rounds of running around the base with two heavy backpacks on his front and back, all the while singing some military song.

hyungwon sat by the door the whole night, listening to the sound of his friend’s footsteps getting close and far again as hoseok did the punishment instead of him. he didn’t know when but he fell asleep at some point, head resting on the metal door of their shared dorm as he hugged his knees to his chest.

 

“ hyungwon~ “ a soft voice called his name. he knew that voice by heart. he heard it but for the sake of what was coming next, he didn’t move.

hoseok’s fingers ran through his very short hair before the older brushed his thumb on his cheek as he called his name again. “ hyungwonnie “ it was always a mystery why he liked it so much when the older was the one waking him up.

“ hmm “ he opened his eyes slowly and saw how tired, sweaty and worn out his friend was.

“ why are you doing sitting here? “ it was obvious that the leader was having a hard time even sitting on his knees like that so hyungwon stood up and helped him stand up as well. 150 rounds around that giant place weren’t something anyone could survive. if hoseok had jelly-like legs and limp limbs from it, hyungwon was sure he’d have died if it were him.

“ i was listening to you going round and round and then i fell asleep like the idiot i am. “ he punched himself in his mind for having left the older alone in his punishment like that as they walked toward their bunk bed.

“ you’re an idiot for sitting on that hard surface for so many hours instead of getting good sleep. you’re gonna get scolded for being clumsy all day long now. “ his voice was hoarse and it had zero energy to it.

“ let me help you out of your uniform and you can go to bed. you can still…” he paused and looked at the digital clock on the wall. his eyes grew wide. it had been 5 hours. “ …1 hour till we need to wake up…” guilt was eating him up alive. why did he accept that stupid joint and how in hell did they find out about it?

“ i can’t sleep with all this disgusting sweat. you go to bed. i’ll take a quick shower. it’s okay, i slept plenty on the way back here. “ hoseok smiled at him lazily as he started dragging his feet on the floor toward the showers, towel in hand.

not even ten steps forward, he stumbled on his feet and if it weren’t for the wall he grabbed onto, he’d hit the floor face first.

hyungwon rushed toward him after having stood there fidgeting with his sleeves. “ i’ll help you clean up then. “ taking hold of the older’s arm, he circled it around his shoulder as he wrapped his own arm around the other’s waist. hoseok didn’t try to decline the offer.

 

once they were in the showers, hyungwon let go of the older. moving to stand in front of him, he quickly started to undo the latter’s uniform buttons. but he didn’t even get halfway done when a pale hand stopped him.

“ what are you doing? “ hoseok’s eyes were so big, looking at him.

“ i’m helping you out of your attire? “ he patted the disturbing hand away and continued his work. once he was done, he simply took the uniform by the collar and slid in down the older’s shoulders and off his body.

hyungwon didn’t hesitate before taking the hem of hoseok’s t-shirt and lift it up over his head as well, leaving his upper body completely naked. the necklace the only thing decorating the toned chest. he didn’t know for how long he zoned out, staring at the perfect muscular view, but when he came back to it, there was a bit of pink creeping over the pale skin.

 

hoseok was standing there completely still before the sound of him clearing his throat echoed through the space.

“ i..i can manage the rest. thank you for..uh,..your help “ there it was again. the stuttering and the vulnerability hyungwon was so unfamiliar with. not that he didn’t like it though. he cherished it actually. the moments where his friend showed a bit of himself behind the strong wall.

“ don’t be ridiculous hoseok. you can barely stand. just let me do this as a means to thank you for taking the blame, okay? “ he said as he dug his fingers under the waistband of the uniform’s pants as he talked. only when his fingers touched his friend’s skin on his hip, did he panic in his head. what was he doing?! what if someone decided to walk in at that exact moment? it would give _such_ a wrong idea! like he was actually going to give hoseok a blowj-.. _shut the fuck up brain. for fuck’s sake._

he beat himself up in his head as he blinked and licked over his lips rapidly, fumbling with the single button that was playing games with him as it did _not_ want to open.

“ here. let me. “ there was a chuckle as the older’s hands wrapped around his and opened the evil thing just easily. hoseok didn’t wait for him to do something again as he took his pants and his underwear off, tossing them away. he had to wash them later that day.

“ see? i’m capable of taking care of myself. i’m a big strong boy. you can go to bed now hyungwonni. “

hyungwon didn’t, _couldn’t_ , argue anymore. his heart was thumping furiously in his chest and his face was burning hot. he’d seen hoseok stark naked a million times but there was something different at that moment. the two of them alone. him undressing the boy with the perfect body. muscles and veins all bulged out due to the extreme punishment. _uuuuugh, what the fuck are you even picturing here you dumb ass!_

“ o..okay then..” he turned around and walked out with fast steps, completely missing the flushed cheeks and ears of the man he left behind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does anyone know how to put links in the notes?...


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~  
> sorry for the delay!

“ stop pouting! “ hoseok laughed lightly as he squeezed hyungwon’s arm.

 

“ this sucks. i hate myself for the trouble i caused. if i hadn’t accepted that stupid joint, you wouldn’t have to stay 15 extra days..” the younger said, pouting some more and looking down at his feet, his bag right next to him on the ground. he felt so guilty.

 

“ don’t talk like that about yourself! “ his friend’s gentle voice said quietly as he walked forward the step that was separating them. “ the past is in the past. and it’s only 15 days! it’ll be over before you even know it. “

 

“ can’t i just stay with you? can’t i volunteer to serve for 15 more days? “ he argued, tugging at the older’s uniform on his chest tightly with both hands.

 

hoseok chuckled and cupped his face, looking deeply into his eyes. “ what’s with you really? you were so impatient for it to be over and now you wanna volunteer for more? who are you? where’s hyungwon and what did you do to him? “ he didn’t let go of his face, voice ever so soft and quiet.

 

“ i…” he didn’t know how to put it into words. not really. “ i just don’t wanna go and leave you here! we promised to go to the river before going home once our service was over, remember? “ he paused, mood dropping even more as he looked down again, his cheeks getting squished in the older’s hands. “ i just don’t wanna..” his voice barely a whisper. “we’ve been together for 18 months day and night, i can’t handle the thought of not seeing you for 15 long days..” his fingers were playing with the fabric of the other’s uniform subconsciously.

 

“ hey, look at me “ hoseok made him look up and smiled so beautifully “ you’re gonna go home. you’re gonna rest for a day or two and then you’re gonna start going to auditions because that’s what you’ve been waiting for this entire time. “ his friend brushed over the skin of his face with his thumbs a few times before letting go of his face and pulling him into his embrace slowly, wrapping his muscular arms around his back and stroking over his hair. “ and don’t even bother thinking i’m going through a punishment. you know i’m good at things here. if it’s one thing i’m good at, it’s martial arts and handling pressure. so there’s no need for you to feel guilty. “ hoseok whispered right into his ear, sending shiver after shiver down his spine for no reason. things had been really confusing for hyungwon recently.

 

“ but.. “ he wanted to argue some more but there was no point to it. it wasn’t like he could really volunteer to stay more, that’s not how things worked in the army.

giving up, hyungwon freed his arms from in between their chests and wrapped them around hoseok’s shoulders in return, hugging him as tight as he could. “ stay well, okay? and don’t start a fight. promise me! “

 

“ who am i gonna even fight with! i’m the leader you idiot! no-one dares to pick a fight with me! “ the older laughed shortly before leaning back. “ eat well, gain some weight, and wait for me. i have something i wanna tell you when i see you next time. “

 

 

 

 

Hyungwon had been busy going from one company to the other for the past two weeks. they all told him they’d give him a call to inform him whether he was accepted for training or not. but that didn’t matter that day. because hoseok would be coming home. he would finally see him after two long weeks, after missing him so much he dreamt of him every single night.

“ stop running around. what are you in such a hurry for? “ his mom scolded him.

“ Hoseok!!! he’s coming home today! i’m gonna pick him up from the station. we’re going to the river tonight so don’t wait up for dinner. “ he shouted his response as he hurried out the door.

 

 

“ so…” hyungwon talked after having sat in silence by the river for about half an hour. it was like hoseok was in deep thought ever since he had jumped into the latter’s arms at the bus station. he himself had felt dazed after realizing that he had run all the way to the older and embraced him the second his eyes caught the sight of the broad figure.

“ you said you wanted to tell me something..” he said carefully, looking at the older next to him who was throwing rock after rock into the river.

“ huh? “ it seemed like his voice had ripped hoseok out of the train of thought. “ oh..yeah.. um..”

hyungwon waited for about two-three minutes, staring at him and anticipating what he wanted to say, but nothing came.

“ what?! “ he chuckled, nudging the older on the side with his shoulder.

hoseok gave up on looking around, as he had been avoiding his face, and fixed his eyes on his. hyungwon didn’t miss the concerned look in the other’s eyes or the nervous lip bite he had never witnessed before, but he didn’t point them out.

“ won…i..i think..” the boy next to him was so hesitant, his eyebrows raised in worry and something hyungwon couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“ well go on! “ he encouraged him, putting his hand on hoseok’s on the ground between them.

the older took a deep breath, closing his eyes, before those dark orbs focused on him again. “ i think i’m in love with you. “ the words left the beautiful mouth so fast, hyungwon could have lost track of them if he hadn’t been giving his full attention to their conversation.

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late updates. it's not that i'm busy, it's just that i can't fucking write!

“ i think i’m in love with you. “

it felt like the world had frozen, time stopped, and there was nothing or no-one in the entire vast universe but them. him and the boy in front of him, looking so fragile and vulnerable though double in size.

 

he must’ve been silent for a while, staring and making the person who’d just confessed to him insecure, as hoseok swallowed hard and blinked a few times, straightening his back.

“ y-you don’t have to return my feeling though, it’s okay. “ he waved his hand in the air frantically. “ i just..i’ve been keeping it in for so long, i needed to say it to you just once. “ there was a pause and a deep sigh, as he looked down and shook his head. “ i shouldn’t have said anything..you’re probably feeling so awkward right now..i ruined our friendship with this stupid confession. “

 

hyungwon would’ve laughed if it wasn’t fucking scary that he had just realized his own feelings toward his best friend when he heard him saying the three words. he had always been confused, not able to put the way he felt for hoseok under the category of friendship. not with how he’d had the dying urge to reach out and caress the other’s skin countless times. or how he’d get all flustered when he came closer a little too much. there had been a million times he had woken up from a wet dream, one that included hoseok and one that friends shouldn’t be dreaming of. he just hadn’t really thought about the fact that what he felt was.. _love_!

 

“ oh my god! “ he gasped, reaching out and taking both of hoseok’s hands in his, holding the other’s gaze on himself. “ OH MY GOD HOSEOK! “ he nearly shouted, shocking the latter in the process of his own realization. “ fuck, i love you too! i just realized that! i’ve been in love with you forever! oh god! “ he laughed out loud and circled his arms around his friend, scratch that, his love and felt goosebumps spreading all over his body with how overwhelmed he felt at that moment.

“ you…,,really?..” the older’s voice was low, a whisper right next to his ear, when he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer. his clothes probably got super dirty from the slide on the ground but he didn’t really care at that moment. he was just basking in the warm feeling of the embrace and how the other’s breath was hitting the skin of his neck, giving him wild thoughts.

 

hoseok hid his face in the crook of his neck, his hands traveling up on hyungwon’s back ever so gently and tightening around him.

“ i thought i freaked you out. i was on the verge of panicking! “ he heard a low chuckle before he felt soft lips pressing on his neck in a kiss.

a shiver ran down his spine and he curled into himself a bit, because it both tickled and tingled in the best way possible.

“ i’m sorry “ hyungwon giggled “ i was in the middle of making sense of my emotions. in conclusion, i’m an idiot for not having realized how i feel sooner! “ another giggle as he felt the lips pressing on his neck again but not kissing this time.

his hand and mouth worked faster than he could manage to deny the sensation when he slid his fingers through the short hair of hoseok, pressing the other’s face closer to his neck “ could you…do that again?..” he bit his lip, feeling a bit shy as it was his first time ever to have someone close to him, kissing and touching him that way.

 

hoseok obliged without a word, lips rubbing over his skin slowly as hot breath tickled him before he felt a kiss. hyungwon sighed at the relief-like sensation and tilted his head subconsciously.

the older kissed different spots of his neck lightly before he felt the arms around him getting even tighter and he was pulled flush against him, and in a swift move, hoseok pulled him over his lap without hyungwon really registering it.

he yelped at the surprise and grabbed onto the older’s shoulders in fear of losing balance. hoseok was there, his face just a few inches away from his own, as he sat on those muscular thighs.

 

“ i really wanna kiss you “ he heard the breathy voice of the older say, their eyes glued to each other. “ can i? “

it may have been the first time he was looking into those dark orbs closely, really paying attention to every detail that he couldn’t see before because he’d go into a gay panic mode if he looked at the other for more than three seconds up close. hoseok was beautiful.

hyungwon swallowed nervously, nodding. the boy holding him, looked back into his eyes with as much affection as he was radiating himself, if not more.

hoseok, the momentarily fragile looking hoseok, smiled at him warmly, reassuringly, before he started leaning in ever so slowly. it was like they were moving in slow motion. he tightened his hold on the older’s shoulders, closing his eyes and waiting for the moment he’d finally feel how it was to be kissed.

a light exhale, and then he felt the soft texture of those curved lips barely touching his own. their lips weren’t pressing against each other yet. they had still a millimeter or two to lean closer for that to happen and for it to be considered as a kiss. and just when it was about to happen, just when he was finally gonna feel the thing he had dreamt about the most during the past several months, footsteps sounded from a close by pathway.

you couldn’t really blame them both for panicking though, they were living in an unaccepting society. so when both of them got alarmed, when hyungwon suddenly jumped off of hoseok’s lap and stood up completely, the older the next one to do the same, none of them said anything because who knew what could happen if someone saw the two of them kissing in such a dark area next to the river.

they stood there, looking at the far end of the water flowing, until the group that had interrupted their moment passed by and disappeared into the equal darkness of the road, the sound of their laughter dying down the further they went, leaving the two boys in an awkward silence all to themselves.

 

a minute or two passed until hyungwon couldn’t take it anymore.

“ i- “

the second he opened his mouth hoseok started talking too. “ ithinkweshouldgetyouhome “ the words were said so fast he had to blink twice to get what had been said.

the older bit his lip and continued. “ it’s already late. we’ll just talk about it tomorrow. “ a smile and the former leader took his hand in his as they started walking their way to the street.

 

“ i have to go to a company meeting tomorrow. they called this morning, said they think i could be qualified for a new project of theirs. “ hyungwon said once they were standing on his doorstep.

his best friend’s face lit up immediately, grabbing on his arms with both hands “ REALLY? that’s awesome! “ hoseok seemed even happier than he himself.

“ i know right! “ he laughed “ i’m gonna do my best tomorrow at the audition to get the job whatever it is. “

“ you make sure of that! “ the older said before looking at him lovingly.

hoseok’s hand traveled up his arm, to his shoulder and he brushed hyungwon’s hair out of his face, caressing over it gently. “ you have everything it needs to be an actor. make sure you won’t let anyone push one of those stupid slave contracts on you. i’ll kill them if they mistreat you in any way. “

it warmed his heart so much, he couldn’t resist it any longer when he leaned in, without hesitance, and placed a kiss on hoseok’s cheek. the older quite obviously was taken aback, his eyes wide and hand frozen in the air by hyungwon’s head. it made him chuckle, the cuteness of the person he had known to be only fierce while giving them orders around the base.

“ i’ll look forward to our talk tomorrow though. i’ll come by your house when i’m back from the audition. really wanna finally meet you mom as well. “ taking hold of the other’s hand in both of his, he squeezed it and ran into the house after having placed another quick kiss on the squishy cheek. hoseok was left there in an absolute state of shock, not having expected to receive them at all.

.

.

.

.

.

hyungwon’s head was killing him. the world was spinning, his vision blurry with the tears he wasn’t gonna let be shed. he was devastated, not knowing what to do or how to process everything. he was on his way to hoseok’s house like he had said, that he’d go there after the company meeting. but his head was somewhere else. he couldn’t see him right now. he just couldn’t.

stopping midway on the sidewalk, he decided not to go after all. he’d just text him later. turning on his heels, heading in the opposite direction had never been harder.

 

“ hyungwon! “ he heard his name being called when a hand on his arm stopped him walking.

“ yo! what are you thinking about so deeply that you can’t hear me call your name! “ hoseok’s smiley face appeared in his sight as he heard the familiar sound of chuckling, the hand still holding onto him.

“ hoseok…” he just stared. hands in pockets, he just stood there and stared in silence, one tear finally winning and rolling down on his cheek.

“ what’s wrong? “ the older’s face fell and gave way for concern as he cupped hyungwon’s face, thumb gently wiping the single tear. “ what’s wrong hyungwon, tell me. did someone bother you again? tell me who. i’ll make them pay. “ rage was obvious in that raspy deep voice.

 

swallowing hard and inhaling deeply, hyungwon shook his head.

“ it’s not that. “

“ then what is it? what made you cry like this? it breaks my heart to see you this way. “ hoseok slid his pinkie finger along his left eye, the tip of his thumb doing the same with his right eye after, catching the collected tears.

he couldn’t take it. grabbing the hands that were cupping his face, he moved them down until they were between them and let go.

“ hoseok, you…y-you…last night..we, .. it wasn’t really serious, right? we were, we just missed each other so much that we got confused, right? we were only playing around, right? “ he looked into the other’s eyes back and forth, searching for a sign.

 

hoseok frowned once he heard him, gaze piercing, as he stood there and looked at him deep in the eye without a single word.

“ you were just trying to be funny, getting away from what you actually wanted to say, trying to make me laugh with ridiculous things like you always do, right? you didn’t mean what you said..you..you don’t actually love me..”he paused, looking down at their feet, half a meter between them. “ and i don’t actually love you..we can’t..”

he heard a rough exhale as the hand landed on his shoulder this time.

“ hyungwon, where does this come from? you know i never say what i don’t mean. i meant it when i said i love you. what are you so scared of? what happened for you to be shaking like this? “ his voice was calm, like he was trying to contain his feelings.

“ NO TAKE IT BACK. “ hyungwon outright shouted, pushing the hand away and stepping back. “ you don’t love me. you don’t- “ a loud sob interrupted him as his tears started flowing in a waterfall. “ you don’t love me and so nothing has to change. we’ll be best friends just like it should be and i won’t have to lose you. “

“ you think i said i love you because i was trying to make you laugh? “ the expression hoseok had on his face was a mixture of many. sadness, disbelief, disappointment, anger.

“ i’m sorry to disappoint you but like i said, i _am_ in love with you. i’ve loved you for the longest time. i wouldn’t go around taking blame for your clumsiness all the fucking time if i didn’t or wouldn’t let you touch me sneakily the way you like to do when you think i can’t see you blush. “ he breathed deeply, closing his eyes, to take his tone under control. “ why would you lose me? i’m asking you one last time, what. happened. “

 

countless cars passed them by as hyungwon tried to get his breathing under control so he could make out a word. rubbing the back of his hand on his nose, and palms over his face, he bit on his lip before talking.

“ my mom, she…” upon remembering the disgusted look on her face, his exposure broke down completely as he just sank down to the ground, sitting on his knees and fumbling with his fingers. the street was empty from people so fortunately, his dramatic behavior wouldn’t turn any head.

looking up, he saw the dark orbs of the boy looking down on him, soft but also somehow intimidating. “ she saw me kissing your face last night. hoseok, she threw firewood at me. her eyes.. “

the gaze on the other’s face landed as soon as he spoke the words and he crouched down in front of him, hands taking hold of his shoulders ever so gently. “ did it hit you? you hate pain even if it’s a simple scratch. where did it hit, hyungwon? “ the older’s eyes moved from one of his features to the next, examining his face and body.

“ my back. “ he sniffled. “ it’s still hurting. “

“ she said me wanting to be an actor is good enough gossip material for the town and that she isn’t gonna be embarrassed by a son that chooses to be gay. she said she’d tell my father if i ever do something disgusting like i did last night again. she- “ a shiver ran down his spine at the thought of hoseok being hurt because of him, by his family. “ she showed up in my audition today without telling me beforehand. i..i had already gotten accepted for the role but when she barged in and told the director to tell me this country had no place for gay actors, they were ready to drop me. the director said they can’t afford scandals like that. that no place would risk it..“

hyungwon wrapped his fingers around hoseok’s wrists as he never lost the eye contact, looking into those dove-shaped eyes desperately.

“ we _were_ being foolish, right? we didn’t mean any of it..”

“ i meant every second and every word. “ was the response he got without hesitance. “ so? what are you gonna do? i’m not taking anything back. “

 

hyungwon didn’t know what to say. he felt something for hoseok. he definitely did but..but acting was the one thing he loved. a dream he had for his entire life. they were best friends, they could get over this, whatever it really was. they could sort things out. they could.

“ …i love acting hoseok. i can’t risk anything. “

all emotions were wiped from the latter’s face in an instant as the hands slid down his arm length until the older took hyungwon’s hands in his.

hoseok looked like he was about to say something but clenched his teeth instead, nodding for whatever reason.

letting go of him, the older leaned in, holding himself on one knee, as he kissed his forehead, lips pressing against his skin for a few seconds longer. it wasn’t until he leaned back and looked into hyungwon’s eyes again that he noticed the tears. his best friend, the person who had told him he was in love with him, the fierce leader of the army, was crying.

hoseok stood up and walked away without another word. he left him there in the middle of the street all to himself, alone and terrified. when he turned around, the other was nowhere to be seen even if it had been less than a minute. his heart was hurting so bad, beating so loud against his ribcage the whole world could hear if they'd only shut up for one second.


	8. Eight

Hoseok couldn’t bear being that close to hyungwon anymore. taking his hand out of his hold and getting up from the couch, he walked a few steps away and stopped by the TV with a shattered screen. his hand was burning where the younger had kissed his scar. that one he had gotten in a battlefield in his first year when he still couldn’t bring himself to end a human’s life and resulted in him getting so many injuries. it had been a long time since then.

 

remembering the horror and the eyes of the soldiers laying on the ground, lifeless, his body grew cold and his heart started beating faster, hurting his chest. the faces of people he had seen, the ones he had fought and the ones he had buried never left him. not even when he got himself discharged after not being able to take the war anymore.

 

breathing in and out in a pattern the doctor had taught him, while looking around to find a random object to focus on, he tried to get himself under control before he’d fall to his knees, heaving for air.

bringing his hand to his chest and clutching on the fabric of his shirt, his eyes landed on a photo frame, right next to a wooden turtle shell, the one he had made for hyungwon back then at the base.

the photo was of them, a month or two before their service would end, when the whole unit was called for a group pictorial. they had their arms around each other’s shoulders, smiling ever so wide and brightly.

seeing the photo in his current state was a bad thing. it reminded him of how hard he tried to get over hyungwon while going through rough and extra practices every day before being sent to war. he still remembered the younger’s eyes when he last looked at him on that street. before he ran all the way home, tears soaking his face, as he packed his stuff and left early the next day. his mother had tried to get him to stay. _‘ just because your father and grandfather chose the army, doesn’t mean you should, too. ‘_ but in the end, he didn’t have a dream, he wasn’t good at anything other than martial arts and leading people, and he wanted to be far far away from him, the soon-to-be actor. the latter probably the real reason he left.

 

with shaky hands, he grabbed the wooden turtle shell and drew along the lines he had carved on it with a knife, with his index finger. his heart was aching but he ignored it and tried to fully focus on the object in his hand. he couldn’t have an episode in front of hyungwon. that would scare the hell out of the younger and hoseok didn’t want that to happen. but this wasn’t working either. it was only a matter of time now before he’d finally give in to the pain and fall to the ground. that had been the reason of his discharging, the many attacks he started to get rapidly at the sight of torn flesh.

 

his eyes began watering, and his head started getting filled with the many images he had seen, red and terrifying, when his hand went numb and the wooden shell fell to the ground, making a sound that buzzed in his ears. he didn’t know where he was anymore, just that he wanted to leave, to run away to a place no one else existed. no war, no pain and no screams in helplessness.

he brought his hands up, staring down at them and feeling the blood had never been washed off. that it still painted the pale color of his skin. he saw his own tears falling down, landing on his palms.

 

he had no idea about his surroundings, figuring he must be at a desert in some foreign country, after having survived yet another battle and in search of a valley, desperately needing even a drop of water. he couldn’t hear any sound so he must have been the only one left to live. again.

suddenly, he felt something on his shoulder. a hand, gripping on his body, accompanied by some words he couldn’t register the meaning of, only that he needed to defend himself from this attacker.

putting his own hand on the person’s, he was quick to bend, turn around and flip whoever it was that dared to attack him from behind like a loser. the man landed on the ground in a matter of a second and he hovered over him, to keep him in place.

his left hand pressing the man’s wrist to the ground above his head, hoseok’s right fist was ready to punch the guy when…

 

_“ hoseok “_

_“ hoseok, it’s me. it’s hyungwon. “_

 

his hand had been so close to the younger’s face. one moment later and he could’ve broken that beautifully shaped jaw of the most fragile person he had ever met. he came back to it.

 

releasing a shaky breath, his eyes still as wide as they could possibly get, he observed their situation.

he was pinning hyungwon to the ground, his grip on the slim wrist surely too painful for him to handle and his other fist still in the air next to that delicate face.

 

“ oh god “

he whispered, as he let go of the younger all together and stomped back, dragging his body on the ground until his back hit a wall. he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the body that was still laying on the floor, eyes shimmering, as hyungwon clenched and unclenched his fists with fast breaths, blinking rapidly in what could only be shock.

 

his chest was hurting still as he realized what he’d done. for as long as he could remember, for as long as he had known the other, hyungwon had always been so sensitive to pain. and he had just thrown him on a parqueted floor with that much strength.

panicking in fear of having caused a serious injury, he crawled closer fast, probably less than a minute of having gone away, after the actor didn’t attend on getting up on his own.

 

“ hyungwon? are you okay? does it hurt anywhere? “

he asked as soon as he got by the younger’s side, sitting on his knees next to him without any space between them.

the sight made his heart drop when he saw the many tears that were flowing down on the latter’s temples as he was staring into nothing in particular.

upon hearing his voice, hyungwon tore his gaze away and looked at him, sniffling, as he brought his hand up and cupped the side of hoseok’s face.

“ was it that scary? it must’ve been, it must’ve been a nightmare if it’s traumatized a strong person like you this bad. “ the younger said quietly, his voice shaking due to his endless sobbing and his thumb caressing over his cheek gently.

it seemed like the time had frozen, when they just stared at each other for a while in absolute silence. the rain had stopped.

“ that doesn’t matter right now. “ he swallowed hard and shook his head, wrapping his fingers gently around the slim wrist near his face and keeping it there. “ tell me, where are you hurting? i’m a battlefield soldier, my attacks aren’t something a delicate body like yours can take without injuries. “

hyungwon, amidst his tears, chuckled and blinked a tear or two away. “ you threw me on this fluffy carpet. “ he rubbed his other palm on the said object without breaking the eye contact. “ i was lucky it was there. i’m hurting but it’s nothing major. just..” he attempted to move and winced in pain. “ just help me get up. i feel like i can’t move a muscle. they’re probably tensed due to the shock. “

hoseok was about to oblige when he hesitated.

“ you’re not pretending, right? if anything’s broken or even slightly irritated, me carelessly moving you would only make it worse. “

“ hoseok. i’m fine. help me up. please. “ the younger replied and held his hands out for him to take if necessary.

 

he let go of the wrist and wrapped his arms around the bony shoulder, slowly lifting him off the floor and helping him sit up.

hyungwon winced and yelped in the sharp pain he must’ve felt as his grip on hoseok’s arms got tight.

“ help me move onto your lap. “

it was confusing and he was questioning himself and his sanity whether he heard it right!

“ why? “ he asked before he could process.

“ because…” the younger’s hand moved alongside his arm, upward, sliding over his neck until it reached his cheek again. “ you’re still crying and i want to hug you, but i can’t move a fucking limb on my own right now. “

“ i’m not cry…ing “ he didn’t know his tears were still falling but when his fingertips got wet after he wiped over his cheek, he realized that he was, indeed, still crying. the trauma was playing with his head.

 

without another word, he did as asked. hoseok helped the younger onto his lap, making him stretch his long legs out behind his back not to put any pressure on his knees or his tensed thigh muscles.

hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck without a second to waste once he was settled, burring his face in the crook of his neck. he didn’t know what to do with his hands so he let them rest on either side of his body on the floor.

“ i’m so sorry i led you to the war hoseok. i’m so fucking sorry. “ his voice trembled as he said the words and his arms tightened around him, face nuzzling into his neck further.

“ it doesn’t matter now. i got out in one piece. “ he replied as his fingers dug into the carpet beneath them.

“ but you didn’t get out in one piece. not mentally and not physically. i just saw what it all had done to you. you, you looked like you didn’t even know who you were for a second there. and you didn’t even recognize me until i called your name several times. “

the words were muffled by his own skin but he figured that he hadn’t really heard the first few times the other had called him, trying to reach out.

“ people lose their lives on the battlefield, hyungwon. this, what i got from it all in return, is nothing. it only serves me well after everything i’ve done..” he clenched his fists tightly as his head filled with images again. lungs burning and heart speeding up after just having had relaxed a bit.

“ there are no excuses for that, war is meaningless. but- “ the younger said quietly with his raspy voice, before he felt lips pressing against the skin of his neck lightly. “ -i’m as much responsible in the things you did there, as you. i drove you away. it’s all on me. “ another kiss followed, this time on his jaw, as the latter leaned back a bit. “ let me help make it better. “

hyungwon was there. his face a few inches away from him, as he looked deep into his eyes. he wanted to say something but didn’t find any words. the sight was breathtaking. he had forgotten what the younger really looked like. he did remember but not in detail. not after 8 years of not seeing him and not after almost three months of avoiding him while living under the same roof. hyungwon was ethereal, even more so than before now that his features had matured.

 

and then the gorgeous face started getting closer. the younger leaning in until hoseok felt soft lips pressed against the corner of his lips, right where he had it cut in the past.

his lips remained closed, his eyes open, and his hands on the floor. he didn’t know what to do. he couldn’t act or react because he never knew when hyungwon would decide against his own words and actions again. he couldn’t give him his heart, knowing the other needed nothing more than a threat to his career to throw him away without a second thought. he couldn’t possibly go through what he had 8 years ago all over again. it had been hell. it somehow _still_ was.

 

he lifted his hands, grabbed the other’s shoulders as he made him move back, he himself leaning back away from him as much as he could in their current position.

“ let’s see if you can stand on your feet. “ hoseok didn’t wait for a reply before he gently moved out of the slim body and, by the grip on hyungwon’s waist, made him stand.

“ well? “ he inspected the younger’s posture and saw how he wasn’t letting his weight land on his right foot.

“ t-there’s like a string that goes from my back down to my leg..it’s kinda starting to hurt like a bitch..” his voice became breathy at the end of his sentence as he bent down a bit, wincing audibly.

“ it’s the vein in your back. “ he said, sighing deeply and feeling guilty.

“ i’ll call your manager. see if he can get any doctor to come here fast. let’s get you to your bed first. “ hoseok bent down a bit, wrapped his arm around the underside of hyungwon’s knee, as he told him to take hold of him, before he carried him to his room bridal style.

“ try not to move much. i’m gonna go call him now. “

he could see the signs of pain on the younger’s face and how he had started sweating.

 

 

 

in the end, they couldn’t find a free doctor to come to the house, so they had to bring hyungwon to the hospital. as hoseok had inspected, it wasn’t something serious and with a single injection, the vein and the muscles had loosened and the pain was almost gone. the younger could walk on his own again.

the manager had been suspicious. “ how did it even happen? “ he had asked.

“ i slipped! what’s new! “ hyungwon had answered before he could.

 

“ okay, get settled in and don’t even think about sneaking out. i’m serious hyungwon. it’s really dangerous outside for you right now. “ the manager who was acting as their driver that evening, said as he parked in front of the building.

hoseok was busy helping the actor out of the car, focused not to make a bold move that would end up in him getting more hurt than he already was.

once they were out and he had the bag and everything, he closed the door of the manager’s car and turned around to follow the younger who had already started going inside.

shaking his head to the latter’s recklessness, he called after him and took fast steps forward. there were a few people coming their way but nothing out of order. they were probably neighbors or normal passengers. or at least that was the case until one of them passed by and hoseok saw who was walking behind the woman who had just walked by him, his face too familiar for him to miss. it was the guy, the one who had been wandering around hyungwon’s place all along.

he acted fast. the guy was closer to the actor than he was. dropping the bag to the ground, he ran as fast as he could, barely making it in time, as he hugged the younger in his arms, blocking the attacker’s reach to him.

the manager was still there and must’ve seen it all cuz the next thing he knew, the older guy was running after the now running figure, yelling something like ‘ stop where you are ‘ and ‘ capture him ‘

 

hoseok felt his body going weak, his head dizzy. he knew he had been stabbed but it wasn’t the first time, he knew he could handle it. but something was off. his mind was shutting down at fast pace, the corners of his eyesight turning black.

“ hyungwon, listen to me carefully. “ he leaned back and cupped the younger’s face to get his attention from the running and shouting behind him.

once the big widened eyes landed on him, he started giving instructions. “ i need you to do every step i tell you, okay? don’t panic. there’s absolutely no need to. “ he said as he forced himself to stay conscious. hyungwon only staring at him with an expression of pure horror. “ i just got stabbed and i don’t think i’m gonna be conscious for much longer. we need to go inside, get into the elevator and if i pass out before we get to the apartment, you need to get me inside, lock the door and call an ambulance. “ he hissed in pain again “ tell them to bring antidote for possible case of poisoning. “ that was the only explanation as to why he was losing his strength so fast.

“ w-w-what?! y-you got stabbed? poisoned? h-hoseok, oh god “ the younger’s whole body was shaking intensely, face pale and hands cold from where he was clutching on his biceps. “ oh god, oh god “ teary eyes looked at him up and down without as much of a single movement.

“ won, do as i said. let’s get in. “ he ordered in his leader tone, one he knew would work on the younger from experience, and pushed him forward, causing himself an extreme amount of pain in the process.

 

walking was hard, and having to drag a panicking and frozen on spot hyungwon was even harder in his state but they managed to get inside the elevator safely.

the close walls were filled with the younger’s panting and his own as he let his body rest on the elevator wall. just that it had been a terrible idea as it applied pressure on where he had been injured and he groaned, trying to cover it with his hand but not quite reaching it.

he didn’t know what state hyungwon was anymore and he couldn’t focus his gaze. he was going out of it and with every passing second, it was harder to stand on his feet. he didn’t know whether he made it to the apartment or not when with a sudden wave of shock through his body, everything turned black.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't kill me please :)  
> also, X-phenomenon is pure perfection *-*  
> also(2), there's only one or two chapters left ^^


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a short af chapter because i wanted to update but couldn't write that much :') next chap will probably be long tho.

The chaos of it all was still replaying endlessly in hyungwon’s head.

Hoseok had passed out the second they’d stepped foot into the apartment. it was like the man was waiting for them to be safe inside before letting his body shut down. hyungwon had to lock up the door and drag the older’s body a bit until he was laying on his side, keeping him in that posture sitting behind him, as he struggled to dial 911 with his extremely shaky hands and blurred eyesight due to the waterfall of tears.

 

Hoseok was bleeding like crazy. he didn’t know what to do but the lady on the phone told him to apply pressure on the wound so, running to the bathroom and coming back hurriedly with a towel, he did just that terrified of hurting him more in his unconscious state by doing so.

he lost count of how many “ please “ and “ don’t you die on me now “s he said before the ambulance nurses arrived and pushed him to the side.

“ Mr. Chae, do you have the knife that injured him? “

“ Mr. Chae? “

“ Mr. Chae, i need you to get a hold of yourself. he’s extremely weak right now and we don’t have much time. “ he came back to it, after staring at the lifeless body of the man he loved for many years, when the nurse shook him by the shoulder.

blinking, he looked at the girl in front of his eyes in question.

“ do you have the knife? “ she asked again. “ it helps if we know what kind of poison was used on it. “

he thought back. whether the maniac had dropped the knife, but he couldn’t remember anything.

“ I-.. no.. “ he shook his head, trying to get his limbs to work when he forced his body to function and jump up. “ but i should go check the street, see if he had dropped it on the way. “

before the nurse could say anything he was at the door, but as soon as he opened it, he caught the side of his manager.

“ i got the knife. would that help? “

 

 

it was crazy. the number of police cars and the noise their sirens made at the entrance of the building. but it was all filtered out for him as his eyes could only see hoseok’s body laying on the stretcher as they took him into the ambulance and his ears could only hear the sound of the older’s dry breathing. he jumped into the vehicle, ignoring his manager telling him not to, and refused to let go of his hand until they had to separate by the operating area.

 

_“ he went into a shock. “_

he had just turned his back on the glass doors that the nurses had disappeared to when he heard one of them saying it loudly in a warning tone.

fear seeped through his veins as he turned around slowly, scared of what he might be confronted with.

_“ we can’t wait. we should do CPR right now. get the AED. hurry. “_

the nurses were running around, giving the doctor that electric shock machine and injecting hoseok with something.

hyungwon didn’t register when he walked his way to the glass walls, or when he pressed his blood-covered palms on them or how his tears streamed down his face. hoseok, his hoseok, was dying.

_“ 1 2 3 clear “_

the body jumped up from the stretched a bit before landing again. the sound of the beeping machine they had attached to him a second ago odd.

_“ clear “_

his fingertips dug into the glass, him biting his lip hard without even realizing it as he begged the god he never believed in to not take the man away.

_“ clear “_

_“ still no response “_

_“ inject - “_

he spaced out.

‘ please hoseok, don’t give up, please. fucking please.. ‘

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

“ hey “

he was ripped out of his thoughts as his manager sat by him. sitting up, hyungwon took the drink from him.

“ it’s not your fault won. what happened had nothing to do with you. “

“ it had everything to do with me. “ he replied, totally worn out and drained of all energy.

 


	10. Ten

sitting next to an unconscious hoseok laying on the hospital bed, hyungwon couldn’t shake the terrorizing fear of what could have happened if the ambulance had arrived mere seconds later.

The older’s heart had practically stopped for minutes, only coming back to life after nonstop CPR. he had been unconscious since, after they had brought him back from the operating room. it had been two days.

 

“ you need to go home. it’s not safe for you here, hyungwon. why are you being so stubborn? “ his manager said, huffing.

“ i’m not going anywhere. i’m not leaving him. “ his eyes didn’t lose the sight of the peaceful face for even one moment.

“ why do you care?! i already got you another bodyguard! “

the clock kept ticking in the absolute silence of the vip room. apparently, hoseok was favored so much that one of the commanders of the military got him the room before he himself could.

“ i know him. “ hyungwon said, after minutes of an inner battle between his heart and mind. “ i know him from before. we used to be best friends. “

he took the hand in his, caressing the scar on the back of it gently. his manager didn’t say anything. “ he confessed to me. the night before i signed my first contract, he confessed his love. “

the silence continued for seconds before he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing.

“ so he’s hoseok? “ his manager’s voice was gentle, sympathetic.

he couldn’t help the surprise that showed on his features when he heard the older’s real name from his manager.

“ how do you know his name?! “ he asked, turning his head to the side and looking at the standing man by his side.

“ you’re a terrible drunk. “ the elder chuckled and ruffled his hair. “ you’ve told me the story of how much you loved him and how you’re still regretting your decision a million times now! why do you think i never let you drink with other people around?! the whole world would know you’re gay by now if i had let you be! “

“ is it so bad?…” hyungwon’s mood dropped even lower, turning his eyes back to hoseok. “ …being gay..”

“ there’s nothing wrong with that. it’s your career. but the country has opened up a bit since you started working. people are looking at things a little differently nowadays. “

“ seriously!? “ he snorted. “ it doesn’t look that way to me! i’ve been imprisoned in my own apartment for months now because people can’t help sticking their noses in others’ business. just look what they did in the end.. “he began tearing up again at the mere thought of losing hoseok. he didn’t wanna think about it.

“ that…is different. the movie was risky hyungwon, i told you that. the plot, the politic mess it displayed. all of it was a giant risk and i warned you but you didn’t listen. “ the manager sighed deeply and sat on the chair near the window.

“ i hope there won’t be any other maniacs now that the police has him. but we have to be careful for a bit longer just to be sure. “

 

 

 

It was a bit after his manager left when hoseok’s body shifted a bit and a low groan woke hyungwon up from his short nap.

gasping and panicking at what he was to do, he ran to the door, walking backwards while looking at the older with widened eyes, and called out a doctor, forgetting all about the little button they had by the bed that did the job.

 

the doctor and nurses came, examined him, cleaned his wound and gave him a few pills.

 

“ if you wanna say anything or cry just do it and stop clenching your teeth. “ hoseok said once they were alone without looking at him. but a second later, he turned his face to the side a bit, looking at hyungwon. “ are you okay? did you get hurt? “

hyungwon had tears collected in his eyes, fighting so hard not to let them fall because he didn’t wanna act spoiled at the moment when the other man had his own injury and pain to deal with.

“ you protected me putting your own life on the line, how could i possibly get hurt..” he took in a shaky breath, hanging his head low. “ i’m not even scratched. “

“ you don’t need to feel bad about this. any other client and i’d do the same. it’s my job. “ hoseok’s voice was weak but firm. emotionless like the usual.

his heart broke even though it really didn’t have any right to. swallowing hard, he rubbed his hands over his eyes to get rid of the wetness and got up.

“ are you thirsty? do you want anything to drink? you can’t eat yet. “ he said half-mindedly as he walked to the mini-refrigerator, opened it and glanced inside without paying attention to what really was in there. his mind was somewhere else, scared that the older really didn’t feel anything for him anymore.

 

 

 

hoseok refused to be given too many painkillers, saying he could handle it just fine. hyungwon refused to leave his side even for one second.

 

“ you need to go home hyungwon. “ the older said in the evening quietly.

“ not going anywhere. “ he replied without looking up from the magazine.

“ there’s no need for you to be here! i’m not eligible for being your bodyguard at the moment and by the time i’m fully healed and allowed to be back on the field your situation would be over and you’ll no longer need one. “ it was the most the older had spoken in days, voice persistent.

hyungwon took a deep breath to come to his heart down and closed the magazine. sitting up properly and straightening his back, he rested his elbows on his thighs as he leaned forward, looking directly into hoseok’s eyes.

“ i need you to be honest with both yourself and me. “ he said mostly in a whisper, too afraid of the answer he was gonna get.

“ am i really just another client to you? “ he bit on his lip hard as he waited, eyes moving back and forth between the older’s.

“ no. you’re an old friend i personally chose to protect when i heard about the attack. but that doesn’t mean you’re more than a client. you know you can’t be. “ the muscular body shifted on the bed, hissing quietly.

realizing the older wanted to change his laying position into sitting, hyungwon got up and walked to the bed. he took the remote and pressed the button that would lift the head spring although the latter could do it perfectly fine by himself.

“ but what if..” he stood by the bed, looking down at hoseok’s half-lidded eyes and tired face. “ what if i wanna be more? “ he asked but then another question stormed through his mind, overshadowing everything else. “ wait! “ he gasped a little louder in surprise, eyes widened.

“ y-you chose to protect me? what does that mean? “

there was a heavy sigh followed by a bit more shifting until the older replied, but not looking at him.

“ it means knowing how big the scale of the threat was, adding the fact that you actually got injured, i couldn’t let anyone else take the job. i had to make sure you were perfectly safe. “ there was a pause before those dove-like eyes landed on him. “ so yeah, i chose to be your bodyguard myself even though i don’t really work in the field anymore. “

“ you don’t work in the field anymore? then what do you do? “ hyungwon couldn’t help the smile that lifted the corners of his lips, both at the knowledge of the older not being in constant danger anymore and the fact that he was concerned about him, meaning he didn’t completely hate him like he made it look sometimes during the past three months.

“ i got an honorable discharge after seven years of service. “ hoseok said and moved his arm to his stomach when hyungwon sat on the edge of the bed. “ i opened a martial arts studio with my friend. “

he smiled wider as he put his hand on the older’s, caressing the skin with his fingertips lightly.

“ i’m so happy you’re not gonna be in danger anymore hoseok. “

for some reason, he got a sad smile as his response.

 

 

~

 

 

Sleeping on his back with a deep fresh wound wasn’t easy at all. that was why he adapted to sleeping on his side even though it was rather hard because he couldn’t curl in any way and had huge biceps to fit under his body somehow. there were times he wanted to call for some morphine, but knowing how guilty hyungwon already felt, he contained the pain to not make the younger feel bad at how injured he actually was. he could handle it, he’d had worse in his days and he could put up a face if it meant those big eyes wouldn’t be constantly teared up anymore.

he hadn’t really been able to fall asleep but, again, pretended like he was. the look on the younger’s face as he asked him what if he wanted to be more than a client never leaving his mind. he had been so sure yet so vulnerable at that moment. something hoseok didn’t remember seeing in those eyes years back when the other chose his career on the spot without a second thought.

he didn’t really blame him for choosing his dream. he was only hurt. no human could control what hurt him after all, it was the heart’s doing and the brain had no control over it. and it was also his heart that chose to not let go of the endless emotions he still felt for the actor despite everything.

 

the hospital was quiet at night. only the sound of nurses walking by or the two soldiers, standing outside of the room he was in, talking would break it. he pressed his eyes shut tighter, trying to force himself to sleep when he shifted a bit on his side. he swallowed the desire to open his eyes and watch the younger sleeping on the couch. he had always been such a sleeping beauty even in his old days when they took naps under that giant tree at noon.

sleep was finally taking over him when something moved on the bed and there were suddenly fingers raking through his hair in a very light and careful touch.

he remained still. eyes closed and breath steady. from what he could feel, the legs touching his and the body heat he could feel so vividly, hyungwon had moved on the bed and was laying next to him, probably on his side as well and facing him.

fingers caressed over his cheek and traveled over his bicep, the trace of the touch tingling his skin. the fingertips moved down on his arms until hyungwon intertwined his fingers with his, thumb rubbing over the back of his hand softly.

minutes passed, or at least it felt like it because he was just dying to fuck it all and wrap his arms around the thin frame, pulling him as close to himself as possible and never let go. and then suddenly there was a hot exhale hitting the sensitive skin of his lips. the fingers tightened around his and the next thing he knew, hyungwon’s soft lips were pressing against his own gently. the ups remained like that on his for long seconds. his senses were going overboard with how much he wanted to kiss those plump lips and taste them at last. there felt so good against his own.

after torturing him to hell and back like that, the younger placed careful kisses on his cheek, forehead and eyelid, finished by a peck on the tip of his nose. something told him he knew hoseok wasn’t really sleeping.

“ you can’t go around kissing people without permission. “ he said, giving up on the pretense.

there was no reply, only fingers that played with the strands of his hair, pushing them away from his face only to have them fall right back.

he decided to open his eyes now that it was obvious he was awake. only that he regretted doing so the instant he did. hyungwon was breath-taking in the moonlight that shone through the giant windows of the room.

“ i don’t wanna be another client or just an old friend you were worried about. “ the younger’s breathy voice said in his face in a whisper. “ i want more. i want to be more to you. “ he saw how the perfect teeth landed on the plump bottom lip. “ i want you for myself. “

“ you wanted me for yourself back then too. just that i wasn’t allowed to want you for myself as well. “ it was true. “ nothing has changed. “

“ everything’s changed. “ the younger started but he didn’t let him continue.

“ no. you’re still an actor and we’re both still men. “ he closed his eyes. “ you stink hyungwon. go take a shower at home tomorrow. “

 

 

thankfully the younger didn’t see through his act and decided to go take a ‘quick’ shower at home.

getting himself together once he was alone, he packed the few things he had in the room and went to request discharge papers. there was no way he could be around hyungwon for any longer. he couldn’t, he didn’t have the strength to get his soul crushed once more. he loved him too much that he had to stay as far away as possible for both of their sakes.

 

 

~

 

 

hyungwon had been fast at showering and getting changed into clean clothes, telling his manager to stay as he had to drive him back to the hospital shortly.

getting out of the car at the parking lot, they went into the elevator and all the way to the room only to find it empty with no sign of hoseok anywhere. the soldiers weren’t standing by the door either.

 

“ did you change his room? “ he asked the nurse at the station.

“ no, he got himself discharged a while ago and left. “ it was like all life was sucked out of him, leaving him pale, cold and shaking.

“ how long ago was this? “ his manager asked, probably knowing he wouldn’t be able to talk in the state of panic he was at.

“ about ten? maybe fifteen minutes ago. “

upon hearing that hyungwon ran to the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator. it hadn’t been long so maybe he could find him if he ran fast enough and looked around. he couldn’t let hoseok slip through his fingers like that, not again.

he heard his name being called and felt eyes staring at him as he ran past people but he couldn’t care less. his mind only focused on one person, one face to find in the ocean of faces walking in all directions.

he didn’t know how but his feet dragged him to the nearby park. maybe because they both found peace of mind when surrounded by the green. but there he found him.

there he was, standing strong on his feet, looking up at the vast blue sky with his arm holding onto his army bag over his shoulder. and then it caught hyungwon’s attention. the sparkle that ran down the older’s face. he was crying.

 

his breath hitched at the realization and he ran the remaining steps forward, circling the broad figure and standing right in front of him with no space in between.

“ i told you i’m not going anywhere. why did you leave like that? “ his voice was loud, louder than necessary.

hoseok’s eyes moved from the sky above to hyungwon’s eyes slowly, more tears running down now that his face wasn’t upward anymore. he didn’t say anything, only stared.

“ you can’t possibly hate me that much hoseok. not enough to disappear like that without even a goodbye. “ he semi-yelled once more, breath pattern picking up as his vision became blurry with tears while he tried to wipe away the waterfall on the older’s cheeks with his thumbs. seeing him cry ached his heart beyond imagination.

thinking the bag must be heavy for hoseok’s injured body, he wrapped his fingers around the older’s and took it away before letting it fall to the ground next to their feet.

“ please “ he burst out, tears rolling down on his cheeks full force as he circled his arms around the man’s neck carefully. his voice broke and he had to hide his face in the crook of the other’s neck to feel a bit safe in the open area.

hoseok curled his arms around his waist loosely, whisper-talking in his ear. “ people will see hyungwon. you’ll have to deal with false rumors if they take pictures of us like this. “

“ they don’t have to be false rumors. “ he said, sniffling and leaning back a bit. “ if you let me i will kiss you right here and i won’t care about anyone seeing. “

the older let go of his sides and stood there looking at him intently with narrowed eyes, like he was searching for something.

“ you’re in an emotional state right now. “ hoseok said, leaning back and trying to get out of his embrace half-heartedly.

“ go home. sleep in for a day or two and watch the dramas and movies you’ve played in. that should remind you of what your priorities actually are. “ he sighed and looked up again, laughing all of a sudden. “ kissing me right here! “ he snorted. “ are you drunk hyungwon!? you kissing me right here is like telling the whole country and the world for that matter that you’re gay! do you understand what you’re even implying right now?! “ finally managing to escape the embrace, hoseok walked two steps backward, eyes not losing him.

panicking, hyungwon took the exact two steps forward and held both of the latter’s hands in his, squeezing.

“ i know. “ he nodded. “ and i don’t care. hoseok, i don’t care. “ his bottom lip was trembling so hard he had to bite on it. a tear rolled down on his cheek. “ i’ve lived like a shadow for the past eight years. sure the money and the fame looks super catchy but i haven’t been able to be myself for one second of it. “ he took a deep breath and lifted hoseok’s hands a bit, placing the older’s palms on his own hips. “ hug me. “ he pleaded with his eyes as he looked into the other’s eyes deeply. “ hug me right here and show me you still love me. i won’t turn back on my word again, i promise. i- “ he ran out of air and had to inhale roughly. “ i love you hoseok. you and i both have changed a lot but i still love you and all the little details about you. “

“ if i hug you here your career might end just like that. “ the older’s voice was hoarse, tired, as his fingers dug into hyungwon’s sides.

“ then let it end. i’ve lived the dream long enough. now i wanna live with you,..” he let go of hoseok’s hands and cupped the latter’s face. “ my ultimate dream. “

something changed in the older’s eyes, his gaze turned soft, vulnerable and fragile just like years ago, as he wrapped his arms tight around hyungwon and pulled him flush against himself, burying his face in the crook of his neck and letting his tears wet the skin.

“ if you take it back tomorrow, i’ll die. i’ll seriously die hyungwon. if you wanna take it back again, just go ahead and leave right now. please. “ the words were the complete opposite of his actions as hoseok tightened his arms around him and kissed his shoulder tenderly.

“ i’m not going anywhere baby. i can’t escape the way i love you any longer than i already have. “

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ' I love you ' came to an end at last :')   
> i'm sorry if i gave you a heart attack at the end of the last chapter :'))) i'm just sick like that lololol  
> i will write a smut for this as a part 2 ^^   
> for those of you who voted on other stories of mine, incomparable got the first place and stuck the second and i still don't know which i will focus on :D  
> .  
> .  
> i hate saying goodbye to my stories T.T  
> anywayyyyys, i have other hyungwonho and showho ( and soon other ships ) stories as well so please check them out.  
> thanks to those who took time to read, comment and give kudos to this story ^^  
> byeee~


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